I need animals around. We communicate beyond the verbal. Body language, facial expression, touch. The communication is more efficient and meaningful. Less bullshit. 

I see you in my periphery everywhere I go in the house. Sitting on the stairs. Running to your food. Sitting on the toilet attacking some figure 8’s. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to normalize that. Sometimes when I think about your departure the pain makes me cry. It happens a couple of times a day at least. Can you believe that? I didn’t think you’d live forever but I wasn’t ready. I can’t put my finger on it but I don’t like being in the house without you. Everyday things and places seem strange and unfamiliar. It’s an odd feeling. Your presence brought an energy (or vibe) to my environment that I came to rely on and love. You left me with Larry. That doofus. 

I try not to think about you now because it makes me feel so awful but I can’t help it obviously. Everytime I walk up the stairs and look at that spot in the hallway I can’t help it. Your image lying there is indelible in my mind. You know the image I’m talking about. I know I felt you purr one last time when I laid my hand on your body. I love and hate that.

More than anything this house feels lonely without you. Which is weird right? There’s so much shit going on here. I can’t quite put my finger on it but we’ll call it loneliness for now. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night you’re not there to do figure 8’s. When I can’t sleep you’re not there to be the cooler. Coming home the other day I looked at the top of the stairs where you’d be running to as we came through the gate. 

I hate the way we ended. That friggin rash and not having you in the bed at night. I lived for that and I know you did too. I hate that that was taken away from you and I wonder if it had something to do with how it ended. I don’t trust that goddam balloon I bought either. 

At least for now I wanted to keep all your stuff around. But I couldn’t handle hearing your feeder go off 3 times a day. I went to unplug it but Kerry beat me to it. We’ve started to pile some of your things at the bottom of the basement stairs. One of your beds, the feeder and few other things. Who knows how long it’ll stay there. I hate seeing it but I also love the reminder.